


How to Cheat at Cards for Fun and Profit

by Hammie, Ormery, stellarbird



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Mentions of death/disembowelment, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Profanity, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-24
Updated: 2012-06-24
Packaged: 2017-11-08 11:18:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/442639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hammie/pseuds/Hammie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ormery/pseuds/Ormery, https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellarbird/pseuds/stellarbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein Two Young Trolls Abuse Their Psychic Powers And Intelligence To Swindle Several High-Blooded Gambling Institution Officiators Out Of Vast Sums of Money, Leading To The Development Of Considerable Bodily Peril; or,</p>
<p>TROLL 21 ... IN SPACE!!!!!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Cheat at Cards for Fun and Profit

**Author's Note:**

> Written for HSO Round One: Gambling.  
> Warning for self-hatred and mentions of death/disembowelment.

How to Cheat at Cards for Fun and Profit

Item One: A movie poster found in the room of Sollux Captor, given to him along with the movie itself as a gift by his good friend Karkat Vantas.

Superimposed upon them, the title of the movie:

In Which A Group of Young Trolls, Recruited For High Intelligence And Extraordinary Psychic Powers, Are Taught By A Blue Blooded Mentor How To Cheat, Legally And Commendably, At Games Of Cards For High Sums Of Money; The Blue Blooded Mentor Attempts To Engage In A Pitiless But Mutually Financially Beneficial Moirallegiance With The Purple Blooded Hero, Who In Turn Solicits The Flushed Affections Of A Lovely And Vicious Teal Troll; Their Increased Winnings Lead To Strife And Discord Within The Group And They Are Pursued and Persecuted By Vicious Gambling Building Officiators; The Main Moirallegiance Turns Caliginous As The Purple Blooded Hero Betrays His Mentor, Leaving Him To Be Beaten With Considerable Romantic Undertones By His Former Kismesis, An Olive Blooded Gambling Building Officiator Enforcer; This Betrayal Is Indicative Of The Hero Living Up To His True Hemospectral Nature And Wins Him The Affection and Respect Of His Teal Blooded Paramour. Featuring Two Attempted And Failed Moirallegiances, A One-Sided Papping Session, Several Attempts At Uncomfortable Appearance-Related Humor, Two Lowblooded Acquaintances Who Feel Resentment At Their Abandonment By The General Plot, Four Embarrassingly Poor Disguises And One Acceptably Adequate One, And Thirteen Plot Holes

\------------------------------------------

aa, your a22ii2tance ii2 reque2ted.  
what is it s0llux?  
is there a pr0blem?  
ye2, there ii2 a problem of giigantiic and dii2a2trou2 proportiion2.  
0h n0! what is this pr0blem 0f disastr0us pr0p0rti0ns?  
the problem ii2,  
ii’m bored.  
…  
s0llux y0u had me w0rried f0r a sec0nd!  
that is n0t imp0rtant at all  
wow, way two be 2en2iitiive two my deep emotiional ii22ue2 aradiia.  
a++ moiiraiil 2kiill2 there  
like y0ure any better!  
yesterday when i t0ld y0u ab0ut h0w i spent an entire perigee talking t0 a musclebeast chestplate because i th0ught it was an extremely quiet ch0lerbear y0u just laughed at me  
yeah, becau2e iit wa2 fuckiing hiilariiou2.  
y0ure awful!  
y0u are the w0rst m0irail  
the wor2t  
the w0rst?  
yes exactly  
ok anyway, now that we have e2tablii2hed that we are both the wor2t moiiraiil2 a troll could hope two have,  
let’2 put our miind2 twogether two think of 2ome actiiviity two do that doe2n’t iinvolve diiggiing giiant hole2 iin the ground.  
digging giant h0les in the gr0und is the best!  
y0u just d0nt like anything that d0esn’t inv0lve c0mputers 0r being 0bn0xi0usly smart  
well aa, when you’re a2 2mart a2 me 2hiit liike diiggiing ju2t 2eem2 liike wiiggler bu2iine22.  
you put a 2hovel iin the ground, you take iit out, congratulatiion2 a22hole you have dug a hole.  
handliing 2harp object2 and 2tiicking them iin thing2 ii2 2ort of troll culture 101.  
well 0k then mister genius  
if y0ure s0 smart why d0nt y0u c0me up with s0mething t0 d0 by y0urself?  
becau2e,  
two head2  
are better than one  
  
w0w s0llux that is really an imp0ssibly lame j0ke  
y0u were just waiting f0r an 0pp0rtunity t0 say that werent y0u  
of cour2e ii wa2, lame biifurcatiion ba2ed pun2 are kiind of my thiing.  
ju2t liike beiing 2uper ob2e22ed wiith creepy dead thiing2 ii2 your thiing and beiing ob2e22ed wiith terriible moviie2 ii2 kk’2.  
2peakiing of kk ii 2tiill have that probably 2uper 2hiitty moviie he gave me la2t twelfth periigee2 eve.  
he 2aiid ii would liike iit becau2e iit’2 about a bunch of troll2 who u2e theiir p2ychiic abiiliitiie2 and iintelliigence two cheat ca2iino2 out of money or 2ome bull2hiit liike that.  
is that the 0ne with tr0ll jim sturgess?  
yeah ii thiink 2o.  
0h!  
s0llux! s0llux i have an idea 0u0  
ehehehe that look2 2tupiid.  
shut up i am trying t0 help y0u 0ut here!  
well im a psychic right?  
and y0u are als0 a super smart psychic  
what if we did s0mething like that?  
yeah aradiia that’2 goiing two work really well.  
“hey mii2ter blueblood ii can hear the voiice of your dead lu2u2, now plea2e iignore me whiile ii try two 2teal the2e coiin2 from you.”  
exactly!  
well s0llux are y0u up f0r it?  
d0 y0u want t0 g0 cheat a bunch 0f rich highbl00ded jerks 0ut 0f a l0t 0f m0ney?  
yeah 2ure ii don’t have anythiing better two do.  
im glad y0ure s0 excited  
well iit 2eem2 liike a pretty fuckiing 2tupiid thiing two do.  
…  
but ok ii admiit ii’m 2ort of exciited.  
awes0me!  
im excited t00  
its pretty fun being a criminal mastermind!  
criimiinal ma2terMIIND2.  
we’re iin thii2  
twogether.  


\------------------------------------------

Item Two: A letter, written in teal and distributed to all casino employees.

To the $ta££:

I wa$ in£ormed that today, two troll$ le£t our ca$ino with over 22 beetle co££er$ in winning$. Look at that $entence. Now look at it again. Do you $ee the problem there?  
I£ you do not, plea$e report to $ecurity at once £or culling.

Thi$ i$ a bu$ine$$. Thi$ i$ not $ome in$titution created to give away large $um$ o£ money to over-clever lowblood$. Thi$ i$ an in$titution created to cheat naïve and tru$ting troll$ out o£ their hard-earned wealth. You would be wi$e to keep that in mind.

I have been told that the perpetrator$ were two young troll$, a yellow-blooded male p$iionic and a ru$t-blooded £emale with large curved horn$. Attached i$ a photo o£ the $currilou$ duo. They are not to be allowed to return to the ca$ino. Anyone who let$ them $lip pa$t $ecurity will be culled. Anyone who allow$ either troll to gamble here will be culled.

We were di$graced today. I will not let it happen again.

Your loving Bo$$.

\------------------------------------------

Item Three: a Photograph.

\------------------------------------------

holy 2hiit aa, that wa2 clo2e.  
really fuckiing clo2e, ii am talkiing the dii2tance between kk’2 tear2taiined fiingertiip2 and hii2 2erendiipiity po2ter wiith troll john cu2ack clo2e.  
oh my day2.  
it was pretty fun th0ugh!  
we c0mpletely d0minated at 0bsidianjack and firestick and all 0f th0se 0ther silly games  
and y0u are KING 0f the sl0ts  
alth0ugh i guess that is kind 0f inevitable when y0u are a psii0nic with incredibly g00d reflexes  
wasnt that a fun experience?  
whiich experiience 2peciifiically are you referriing two.  
do you mean when that jade blood fliipped over the table after we won for the 2iixteenth tiime,  
or when that fuckiing giigantiic liime blooded dealer ended up 2piilling all of hii2 card2 a2 he triied two throw hii2 a22ii2tant at you for telliiing everybody he had murdered hii2 moiiraiil,  
or that tiime 2ome arrogant piiece of 2hiit hiighblood got pii22ed at u2 for totally kiickiing hii2 a22 iin fiire2tiick and triied two chop me iin half wiith hii2 broad2word?  
my dualiity 2htiick doe2n’t extend a2 far a2 beiing bii2ected wiith giiant 2word2.  
or you know, that part when we were both almo2t brutally dii2emboweled and murdered.  
wait, ii ju2t realiized that that happened liike twenty fuckiing tiime2!  
i kn0w!  
wasnt it great?  
ok aa thii2 ii2 goiing two come a2 a biit of a 2hock, but not everyone ii2 a2 thriilled by near-death experiience2 a2 you are.  
0h shut up s0llux y0u just like being gl00my ab0ut everything  
i kn0w y0u had just as much fun as i did!  
y0u are just t00 f0nd 0f c0mplaining t0 admit it  
yeah ok, ii had 2ome fun.  
y0u did n0t just have s0me 0f the fun mister capt0r  
y0u had all the fun  
all 0f it  
except f0r the fun that i was having i guess  
admit it!  
ii diidn’t have that much fun, look at my face.  
iit ii2 perfectly expre22iionle22, do you 2ee any 2iign2 of glee or happiine22 here?  
s0llux y0u kn0w that d0esnt actually w0rk with me right  
i can see past y0ur genius depressive c00lkid demean0r  
it is kind 0f my j0b as y0ur m0irail!  
fiine, you wiin, ii had a fuckiing fanta2tiic tiime.  
ii am totally the bo22 at fire2tiick, diid you 2ee theiir face2?  
yes y0u were very g00d  
i think they were kind 0f weirded 0ut by the fact that y0ur expressi0n never changed fr0m a smug smirk  
0r as y0u might say  
a ……  
half smile  
  
ehehehe ye2 tho2e 2ucker2 had theiir a22e2 throughly handed two them.  
how much money diid we wiin agaiin?  
uh a l0t  
i didnt actually c0unt  
that’2 ok, ii don’t really giive a flyiing 2hiit about the money.  
yeah neither d0 i  
the fun is in the expl0it itself!  
th0se casin0s are all run by a bunch 0f manipulative highbl00ds anyway  
it feels g00d t0 be able t0 cheat them f0r a change!  
ii thiink we diid pretty well for a couple of lowblood2, not that thii2 bull2hit hemo2pectrum really mean2 anythiing anyway.  
yes exactly!  
s0llux the fire is in my belly n0w  
lets g0 again!  
aa every troll iin that ca2iino, and probably every other ca2iino iin thii2 2olar 2y2tem, i2 goiing two be watchiing for u2.  
iif we walk iin there agaiin we are goiing two be culled fa2ter than tz munche2 through a cherry pop2iicle.  
iit’2 goiing two be liike we are the 2oft defen2ele22 pop2iicle, and tho2e goon2 iin 2ecuriity are the fuckiing hellblade2 that are tz’2 iincii2or2.  
wh0 cares?  
th0se sissies c0uldnt h0pe t0 take us  
alternian 2ecurity troll2 are not 2ii22iie2.  
fuck, you 2aiid that ju2t two get me two 2ay 2ii22iie2, diidn’t you.  
hahahahaha!  
y0u are hilari0us s0llux  
and als0 really predictable!  
ye2 thank you 2o much for makiing fun of my lii2p, iit’2 not liike ii’m hiighly embarra2ed about iit or anythiing.  
2eriiou2ly though who2e iincrediibly 2hiitty iidea wa2 iit two put an 2 in lii2p  
lii2p  
liiiii2222p  
fuck  
hahahahahahahaha  
2hut the fuck up ok, ii’m tryiing here.  
y0u are ridicul0us!  
hahahahaha  
ok ii’m glad you’re haviing 2o much fun laughiing at my attempt2 to communiicate, but maybe we 2hould get back on topiic.  
there ii2 no way we can expect to walk iinto a ca2iino agaiin without iimmediiately beiing pre2ented wiith the bu2iine22 end of 2ome iincrediibly paiinful weapon.  
and that ii2 ba2iically the oppo2iite of a thiing that ii want two happen.  
w0w s0llux f0r a genius y0u are being incredibly stupid here  
y0u are ign0ring the 0bvi0u2 s0luti0n!  
ok, what ii2 thii2 incrediibly obviiou2 2olutiion.  
c0stumes!  
are you talkiing about 2ome 2ort of role play 2cenariio?  
n0 dummy im talking ab0ut disguises  
we just have t0 wear different disguises every night and theyll never catch us!  
thii2 2ound2 liike a terriible plan.  
0h my g0d shut up!  
its a great plan!  
ok fiine, we can try iit, but iif we diie iit’2 completely your fault.  
0k s0llux i will accept that resp0nsibility  
we are n0t g0ing t0 die s0 it is pretty much irrelevant  
and i kn0w just wh0 we can g0 t0 f0r help with 0ur c0stumes!  
ok, who?  
the masters 0f disguise!  
0r as they w0uld say  
the mewsters of D1SGU1S3!  
why do ii have a really bad feeliing about thii2.  
because y0u have a really bad feeling ab0ut everything

\------------------------------------------

AA: s0 what d0 y0u think  
AC: :33 < um  
GC: 1S TH1S SUPPOS3D TO B3 4 JOK3?  
AA: n0!  
TA: iit wa2 aa’2 iidea.  
GC: 1 4M H1GHLY D1S4PPO1NT3D 1N BOTH OF YOU

\------------------------------------------ 

AA: 0k  
AA: h0w ab0ut this?  
AA: is this better?  
TA: aa let’2 ju2t giive up, thii2 ii2 liiterally the twenty-2econd dii2guii2e we have triied on.  
GC: 4CTU4LLY TH4T 1S 4CCEPT4BL3  
AA: really?  
AC: :33 < yes! i am purretty sure that no one will be able to recognize you!  
TA: ok you 2aiid pretty 2ure , how 2ure ii2 pretty 2ure?  
AC: :33 < * ac twitches her tail in careful consideration *  
TA: liike could you 2tate the degree of your 2urene22 a2 2ome 2ort of number, ii2 that po22iible?  
GC: SOLLUX, PL34S3  
GC: STOP WORRY1NG, YOUR UN3ND1NG P3SS1M1SM 4ND COMPL41NTS 4R3 L34V1NG 4 SOUR 4ND UNPL34S4NT T4ST3 1N TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON  
TA: fiine, ii am 2orry for offendiing your deliicate ta2te bud2.  
TA: ii ju2t feel more comfortable wiith 2ome 2ort of numeriical de2iignatiion of probabiiliity.  
GC: F1N3  
GC: TH3R3 1S 4PPROX1M4T3LY 4 Z3RO P3RC3NT POSS1B1L1TY TH4T TH3Y W1LL R3COGN1Z3 YOU  
GC: DO3S TH4T M4K3 YOU F33L B3TT3R, M1ST3R GRUMPY MUST4RD?  
TA: not really.  
AA: 0h my g0d s0llux st0p w0rrying!  
AA: everything is g0ing t0 be fine!  
TA: ok 2ure, whatever.  
AC: :33 < good luck you two! be carefurll!  
AC: :33 < dont f33l too nervous i think some trolls can smell f33r  
TA: thank you nepeta, that make2 me feel even better than ii oriigiinally felt.  
AA: 0h shut up s0llux  
AA: lets g0! en0ugh w0rrying!  
TA and  AA  ceased responding to memo.  
GC: TH3R3’S L1K3 4 TH1RTY P3RC3NT CH4NC3 TH3Y’LL BOTH D13

\------------------------------------------

Item Four: A letter, in the same style as above.

To all employee$:

A$ you may have heard, we had another two gue$t$ tonight who took advantage o£ our ho$pitality.  
They have le£t u$ $omewhat more than con$iderably impoveri$hed.

Let me put thi$ another way:  
We do not actually have any more currency.  
We are delirious$ly and totally £ucked. 

Thi$ ca$ino i$ no longer operational. Any troll$ remaining here a£ter tomorrow will be £ed to the rampaging manebea$t$.

Your [£ormer] Bo$$.

\------------------------------------------

Item Five: a photograph.

THE END


End file.
